It concerns a sort of dream I had as I don’t even know if I was awake or not in it, bits of both I think, and not unusual for a lot of my sleep; but somewhere in it I felt really angry about my relationship with J..., how so much of it was so incredible, just a romantic Prince and Princess life, and yet how so much of it was so bad, our never really just being able to be together, and yet all of this was to do with all my past dreams I’ve had with her, nothing actually to do with the reality I shared with her, which as you know didn’t amount to anything at all. But I’ve had all this amazing dream stuff with her - with all my past girlfriends, all of which has helped me to wake up to my fuckedness and has led to my seeing so much truth about myself; but this morning, and what I’m wanting to ask you about, is, what is it all about, as I’m beginning to feel my life on Earth is more about my life I’ve had in my dreams than my actual waking reality. I’m now even beginning to feel like I could cross over into my dream state, and were someone to ask me about my life on Earth, I’d say, oh yes it was so wonderful... going on to recount dreams instead of the actual mundane boring reality of what it has been. The tedious hard grind of never feeling really good. And I’m beginning to feel like, I have sat for ten years at least in front of my fish tank looking at the lovely pair of Nannacara anomala I used to breed, and how much I’ve loved every second of it, and that’s all I ever want to keep doing, continue sitting there looking at them for hundreds of years to come, when the reality was I only had those two little fish for about a year or two and at best might have spent an hour or so after school on some nights and on the weekend watching them breed and rear their babies, not ten years. So I feel like I’m completely losing the plot, sort of fading off, and even wanting to fade off, into my dream reality with it becoming my real life and my real waking life becoming the horrible bad dream I once had. I feel like there’s not much of line between the two, and it wouldn’t take much for me to just go off in a permanent ga-ga state where I’m lost to my mind, floating away with J... and I... and my fish to a paradise of my own dreaming.
And then on top of all of this as I was trying to express my feelings to Marion this morning, I started to feel my calf muscles stiffen up, as if I wanted to bring my legs up into a contorted and twisted state, and then my whole body being bent and twisted; and the more I expressed these feelings, the more I felt like I hated being in mum’s womb, and that it was hell, and I feel like I was put through the wringer every moment I was in it, and that by the time they cut me out of her, I was well and truly fucked, that I should have just been stiff as a board, catatonic, so stressed, so full of her fear, so panic-struck; and really I can’t understand how I didn’t die, how I did go on.
And then worse still, suddenly the picture flashed into my mind of my dying inside her before I was born or when I was being born and her dying too, and oh my god the horror of it all, her being with me in spirit, being my mother and my never being able to get away from her. When all I’ve wanted is for her to die, and as she hasn’t, now for me to die, so I can be as far away from her as possible, this my oh so loving mother that I used to believe loved me and I loved her so much.
And then I felt like she was shaking me, and that she shook me within and inch of my life many times. And I don’t if she actually did, I can’t remember, but all fits in with how I feel about myself, even if it’s all just emotional shaking.
But lately these experiences are expanding my awareness exponentially to seeing how fucked I am, and how I just had no idea as to the extent of all that’s happened to me, and that indeed happens to us all. How deep it all is, and how many depths to it there is, and it’s just huge all the horror that’s done to us. And we have no idea at all.